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Subjects > Humor > Jokes > Microsoft Jokes
Bill Gates in Heaven/Hell?Create Series
Gates goes to heaven
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go. " Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision. " "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you. " "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first. " So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini- clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire. " So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell. The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference. "Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!" "Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?" "Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons. "This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer. "Yup," said the angel. "Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel. "That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.
He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright."Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."
St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..."Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."
St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..."
Bill had a dream....
God appeared in a dream to the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates. He told them, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days."
The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be going to heaven in 30 days."
Bill Clinton woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God thinks I'm an important guy. The great news is that we won't have to deal with any more Windows '95 complaints."
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The Borg Meet Bill Gates
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard: "Mr. LaForge?Create, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
Riker: (looks puzzled.) "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"
Data: (turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."
Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data: (studying displays) "Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."
(Over the speakers:) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
Riker and Picard: (together - horrified) "Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but appearently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!"
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Top ten reasons that Bill Gates would run for president.
1)He wants to buy an old Cesna, paintit flashy colors, and call it Air Force '95.
2)He heard that some government agencies were using UNIX.
3)He wants to get that illegal sports car in SF Bay into the US.
4)He just thinks it would be neat to be president of two big thingies.
5)He's hot for Janet Reno.
6)His ego needs to be inflated.
7)He lost the key to his mansion, so he needs a new place to live.
8)He thinks that he can use MS Money to balance the budget.
9)He feels that Perot just didn't throw enough money at it.
10)He wants to make Windows '95 the official operating system of the USA.
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